Yesterday was a very long, very sorrowful, very difficult day for me. I cried a lot. I left a meeting at work because I could feel the pain of Mina’s loss welling inside and I sobbed for nearly a half an hour. I went home to my empty, echoing apartment (it never used to echo) and tried to figure out what to do with myself. I visited the leasing office to pick up a package and felt out of place, out of time.

The package was a gift from my friends Dawn and Greg, a book about grieving for our lost non-human animal friends. I found some nice poetry in it, including one by Mark Twain written for his daughter’s funeral. I’ve always found this short poem very touching and now, very appropriate for Mina:

Warm summer sun,
Shine kindly here,
Warm southern wind,
Blow softly here.
Green sod above,
Lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart,
Good night, good night.

It makes me cry. I know the book will make me cry, too, so I’ll put it aside until I’m feeling stronger. Right now, everything feels wrong and I find myself crying out loud for Mina and asking “WHY?” I keep hoping to see her when I turn on the light every morning. I want nothing so much as to take her for a walk. Mina loved walks. She loved being outside. She loved snow and sunshine and cool days and meeting her human and canine friends and playing, when she was younger. I hope she’s enjoying in heaven all the things she loves.

My friend Sue saw Mina in a dream Sunday night/Monday morning. They went for a walk out at Sue and Robin’s house. Mina was very happy, very healthy, full of life and love. I think she was trying to let Auntie Sue know that she’s happy, at peace, and enjoying herself.

I have not had any dreams about Mina. One of my friends believes this is because right now, while I still haven’t come to terms fully with her death, that it would hurt more than help me. So perhaps Mina was letting Auntie Sue know that she was OK so that Auntie Sue would tell me.

Today, I have to be in a class all day (tomorrow, too). I won’t get home until after 6 p.m. For now, it’s OK not to spend a lot of time in the apartment but I’m hoping that some day I’ll feel comforted being in the home where Mina and I lived and were happy for three and half years. I went through a stack of photos last night trying to figure out the year they were taken and where we were living at the time. I think I did a pretty good job. There must be more, somewhere, because the years 2002-2004 are missing. I’m positive I took pictures of Mina during those years as she was about the only person I ever photographed! I just don’t know where they are at the moment.

And, I don’t know what this post is about, really. I have trouble thinking clearly and I feel like I’m walking in fog all the time. All I want, all I want in this whole world is for Mina to put her paw on my arm and kiss away my tears.

s.

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